As parents, often one of the hardest things about separation and divorce is seeing how it affects your children, both emotionally and financially. While the reality of a post-separation family usually means fewer resources for both parties, you can take steps to help your children deal with the emotional impact of separation and divorce.
Changing family structure, and sometimes school and residences, can be very scary for a child. The way you handle these changes very much affects how your children cope with them. During this difficult time you may find some of the following suggestions helpful for you and your children.
Routines
During separation and divorce, it is important to provide as much stability and structure as possible in your children’s daily lives. Regular routines at each household and consistently communicating to your children what to expect will provide your children with a sense of calm and stability. Providing routine and structure to your children will help them feel more secure in their new family arrangements.
Listening
Children can react very differently to separation and divorce. Children do not always communicate with words. Their responses to their parents’ separation may be expressed in behaviour. It is, therefore, important to listen to your children’s concerns and also “listen” to their behaviour. Reassure them that things will be okay and help them express their feelings. You can encourage your children to talk about the good and bad things they are thinking about, or worried about. By doing so, you will have an opportunity to share their feelings, as well as educate, encourage, and guide them toward constructive strategies for dealing with their emotions.
Parenting Coordinator
Using a Parenting Coordinator (a “PC”) can help minimize conflict between you and your ex and buffer your children from any ongoing conflict. A PC is usually a mental health professional or lawyer. PCs help parents develop more effective problem-solving and communication skills and assist parents with the implementation of their Parenting Plan. If there is a dispute with respect to the Parenting Plan, the PC will try to mediate an agreement between the parties. If that fails, the PC can make a binding decision that is in the best interests of the child. It is important to note that PCs do not make decisions about legal custody, mobility or parenting schedules other than those of a minor or temporary nature. While there is a cost involved with using a PC, the benefit of reducing conflict usually far outweighs the cost.
No Bad-mouthing
Children are very sensitive to conflict between their parents. It is, therefore, important to avoid putting your children in the middle of your fights or making them feel like they have to choose between you. The more parental conflict your children experience, the more difficulty they will have in adjusting to life after divorce.
Although it may be difficult at times, you should never express negative feelings about the other parent to your child. It is also important to be mindful of how you speak to your ex on the phone or speak about him or her to others in your children’s presence. Give your children the clear message that it is good for them to have an ongoing relationship with both parents.
Do not use your child to deliver messages to the other parent, do not quiz your child about your ex’s personal life, and definitely do not use your child to spy on the other parent. Should your child need to discuss something that occurred while at the other parent’s home, then of course you want to listen to what they have to say. If any action needs to be taken, then discuss the matter further with an experienced family lawyer.
Counselling
Counselling for both you and your children can be extremely beneficial in dealing with the emotional impact of separation and divorce. These professionals can help you address and deal with feelings of anger, hurt, fear, grief, shame or guilt. When you take care of yourself, you can be there for your kids.
In cases where a child is having a particularly difficult time coping with or adjusting to his or her parents’ divorce, it is even more important to seek the advice and guidance of a professional counselor or therapist.